I am going to try and turn this into my new life motto. It is something that my mum said to me a couple of days ago on the phone. She is currently overseas with my dad. They are celebrating 20 years of marriage together. Well they knew I was having issues in my personal life and they tried to talk with me about it. And that is what mum said, just do. I have a tendency to over think things. And it is only know becoming clear to me. My personal issue have made me stronger not just as a person, but in my relationships and in a way, I am glad of it.
Even though there was a lot of pain and hurt, I have been able to find my flaws and now I can work on them. I am a bit keen to try and make myself a better person.
I have picked up a new follower today. I don't know who the person is, so that is really different. I have never really thought of this blog actually gaining followers. I mean, come on, all I have been doing is ranting about my life. And my life is kind of boring.
I wonder if I cam make my life more interesting. Well I am going overseas in about 20 days and then I can blog all about my trip. I will have fun, but I am also going to miss everyone here in Perth. Which is a weird thing to be saying, cause well, it is Perth, and I never thought that I would miss Perth. But I will.
Right now I am watching Parenthood. This movie is actually completely hilarious and I love it! I just saw a an old lady speak with helium. I am also really bored. I think that someone should come and chill with me. Except the person that I really want to come and chill with me is probably asleep. And even if she isn't, she doesn't read this.
I have just started to write up my will. This is just a bit intense on my brain. I have seen my parents' wills and they have only outlined a couple of items and the rest is to be distributed. But for me, I have a lot of people that I want to make sure get a certain items. This is going to take me forever. Someone do this for me, and I will pay you, maybe, never.
I am getting better. I have done a few dishes today to clean up and I have taken Boots for a walk. I walked in sandals. That was a mistake. But it was still a good walk. Now, I am trying to decide what I want to eat for dinner. I don't actually have the supplies to cook anything that is good enough to pass as a meal, so I am going to order take away. Yet I am stuck on what to eat. I need help.
I found my answer. It is a good answer. I haven't given it yet. But will soon. In person. I am going to have a lot of hard work ahead of me. I have done something that is terrible. And I have to make up for it. I hope that I can get there. I hope that I will be accepted. I hope that this can all be put in the past. But I don't know if I am going to be so lucky.
Maybe if I went for a drive it would help to clear my mind. 'Cept I have nowhere to drive to. I need somewhere to drive to and I need the energy to get to that place. But where is that place? I don't know. I have the house to myself for a while. Parents are overseas and Daisy is on camp. I hope she is okay, she was not a happy girl when I dropped her off this morning.
I need to go on a mini road trip. It can only last a day, cause I have Boots here at home who needs looking after. And I haven't even been doing that properly. He hasn't been walked and I spend next to no time with him. Maybe some time tomorrow if I can see clear skies.
I want to make everything better, all the bad go away, but I don't want to speak too soon and then just screw it up even worse. If only, I could control time. I would just chuck it on pause for a while and then I have the time to think. I would have all the time I need to make sure I know what I want, and then I could end the hurt.
But no. I don't have the power time control. I'm not the Doctor. I'm not a time travelling ape. I don't own a Portal gun. I know that last one doesn't relate but I have been distracting myself with Portal and the other games found on the Orange Box and now I really want the Portal gun.
I know that it will be over soon, but soon is a long way away right not. I need soon to be now, and I am not the one who is being hurt the most. I can feel soon coming on the horizon, but the horizon is far away. I need a ship to get to the horizon.
I just don't know how to feel. My insides are slowly killing me. They attack each other and drive me insane. I am getting to a decision, just quadruply checking that I am right. I have to be right. If I make a decision and then it's wrong, I don't think I will get over it. But I think I am there. But I don't know. But I do. Fuck.
Yes I do think that is the first time I have sworn on this blog. Quite impressive seeing as I have had this for over a year, if not two years. However I could be wrong. Yet this is not the point. The problem is that I have a big question tumbling around inside of my and the answer is always out of reach. It kills me that I don't have an answer, because I know what pain my indecision is causing. I hope I will recover from this, and I hope that everyone else does.
I am glad that I have good friends here to support me during this time. I never would have made it this long without my friends. They are all girls. Maybe I should extend my ring of trust to include some male friends.
Today was fun. I dropped Daisy and then just chilled in East Vic Park while I waited for the car to be repaired. It was so boring. However I did make a couple of purchases. I bought The Orange Box and Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands at EB Games and then I came across a closing down DVD rental place and I bought the first season of Life, Sgt. Bilko and Henry Poole Is Here. Those three DVD's only cost me $6.50. I may go back there after dropping Daisy off at camp tomorrow.
I also have been thinking a lot. That is very bad. I have been told by a lot of people that I think way too much. And it is true. I over-think ever single thing that I do. I just hate to be unprepared and because of that I always have to plan ahead. It is really bad and I really need to change. Hopefully I can change. I want to change. I need to change. I am hurting the people around me and some more than others.
I think I can make an internal decision. I am not sure, but I am leaning more to the yes. It is just, that while I think I have an answer, I don't want to admit it or say anything and then not truly mean it. I have to know exactly what I want before I say anything. And it is so difficult cause I want everyone to be happy. I hate it when others feel sad/bad/angry and it hurts me when I am the cause of it. I really just need to turn into Peter Pan. That boy doesn't have those problems, he crushes on Wendy and they are fine. He knows what he wants. He doesn't want to grow up and he is set. I want to be set.
I'm moving towards the left, and the left is good. But I don't want to move to the left without truly meaning it. Man, this is so difficult! Maybe if I was a dragon, I wouldn't have such issues. I feel terrible. Like my guts want to jump out of my throat, strangle me, and then jump back in, crawl up into my skull and eat my brain for breakfast.
That last post of mine was rather long. I didn't realise how much I had typed until I posted it and then saw it on my blog page. I am a freaking machine of a typist. I wish I could get a job just chilling at home, on my couch, typing out random stuff.
You know, I thought that I had it all figured out. I mean, yeah I am heaps young to know every that I want and stuff, but I felt good. Everything was fine, moving along and I was happy. Then what happens, I hit a road block of course. There is always that one occurrence that knocks you off. I am on the Crazy Train that Ozzy sings about. And I mean my brain just doesn't know what to do anymore. Like in the past I have been in some sticky situations, but at least I knew how I felt about those situations. Right now I am in the middle of a rock, a hard place AND I have no idea how I feel about it all. If I knew how I felt I could go all Hulk on the hard place and the rock and it would all be over.
But no, I can't go all Hulk cause I don't know how I feel. But me being me, I try to see into the future of the 2 main options that I see ahead of me. I don't know how I feel about it in either futures, but I can see the image in both. However there are a few pitfalls in these futures, and I hate pitfalls.
I am the kind of person who cares about the other persons feelings before my own. I also hold onto guilt for a long time. And furthermore I hold onto regret even longer. Yet I don't admit the last one. And even if you used this post against me, I would claim high on drugs and ice-cream. So don't even bother trying.
I just wish I knew how I felt about it all. It just really sucks that this all happens a few weeks before I leave for overseas for just under 6 months. I mean, I could have hit this road block AGES ago, and if I did, it would be that tiny bit easier, but the karmic Gods hate me. It is a proven fact.
Really, I just wish that I could be like a person from the Sims. When I make too many bad decisions, you delete my save file and you try all over again. It would make my life so much simpler. Or I wish I could be Curtis from Misfits. He can go back in time when he is feeling guilty and stuff, so I would be able to go back ALL the time.
I just want this unknowing pain to be over. However I can't really do anything until the sort of know the answers from two other ports of calls. But the issue is that I can't get those answers without raising a LOT of suspiciousness and possibly a lot of misery and danger. Maybe I am a covert spy and I had my mind wiped. Yet even with my mind wiped it seeks danger and being without my training or missions I have to find danger in pubescent daily life.
This is where most of my hate it directed towards. Puberty. It is an evil time in everyone's life and I hate it a lot. And I know this is entirely clichéd, but I am very mature for my age. I just am. Fact of life. I have been getting along with adults a lot better than people my own age. Not that I see people my own age. This year, probably 10% of my time has been spent with people my own age. 7% of the time was with friends.
I am a very lonely person. Like, I love being by myself, cause then I am truly myself. (If you want to see the real uninhibited me, learn to turn invisible) But I also hate it when it is for extended periods. It sucks cause I don't go to Uni, no do I have a "proper" job. I have to wait till I get back from overseas, on a trip that has been decided for me since I was 5. Talk about pressure?
The funny thing is that I am the only one that will read this. Maybe I can treat this as my journal. Except I keep getting random views from people on the internet who are looking for pictures. I have a couple of pictures from 2 movie reviews I did. Ah memories. I thought that was going to be a regular thing for me. Silly Tom.
I am now starting to get a headache. This is what happens when your brain is fried from a decision it can't make right now even if it had the answers. The other thing is that I don't want to make an answer when I am in confusion, and then have me head clear up and I regret it. And what makes things worse is that this decision has a time limit. I have to have an answer before I leave. Not only do I need an answer, but I have to go through with my decision.
Mum and Dad are getting on a plane in a couple of hours which is heading for Singapore and then they take a connecting flight to London. We are leaving in a few minutes to go to the airport. It should be interesting to see how Daisy reacts. We are going out for Red Rooster afterwards. Then in a couple of days Daisy will be on camp for 6 days. This means that I will have the house to myself for a whole 6 days and no one around.
Don't you hate it when you are staying a mate's place and then some bloke comes round. Some seedy bloke who is still a juvie, and is constantly trying to hit on your friend. Well I sure do. Just joking, I'm the bloke. Anyways...
Made a new friend, Mel. She is alright. Already made fun of her ex through facebook chat. Also met a new guy, Josh. He needs to learn how to drive. Re-connected with Lukey P. He is the same as always and of course chilling with my sister Betty. There are no words to describe her cause she is just so amazing and shizz. But don't tell her I said that. She thinks I'm just mean and stuff all the time and I don't want to let her down.
My parents leave for overseas on Sunday. That is going to be intense, just me and Daisy for a whole month together. We should be fine, but Daisy will be missing Mum and Dad everyday. I hope I will be able to toughen her up and help it through it. It is going to be worse when I leave for my 6 month trip. There are going to be so many tears.
On a completely different note, Betty and I were walking out of Fremantle when this guy called out to us. I stopped and he swaggered up to us. Said hi, shook both mine and Betty's hand and introduced himself as Rick. Then, all of a sudden he just hands out this big Red Tulip easter egg. We ask why, and he just shrugs his shoulders. We thank him a heap of times and he then goes back about his business. It was an intense experience to be in Fremantle and NOT asked for money. My faith in humanity may have just increased a little bit. Betty and I decided we can't eat the egg, so we are storing it in the fridge.
As I am typing this, my netbook says that it is 11:48 pm. I am on a bed that does not belong to me in the slightest sitting next to my new friend Mel. She is writing an essay on Leukemia, I am writing on my blog that only gets views due to the pictures I stole from google. Fuck yeah life is amazing.
I just booked myself in for a TV interview on the Melbourne television show, Planet 31. My friend Sean Pary is part of the brains behind the whole scheme and in his pursuit to unearth artists and all people in variety of avenues, he actually agreed to interview me when I am in Melbourne in November.
I will be starting to do Tai Chi with Dad soon. This is because he wants to start it up again because it is a form of exercise and he really enjoys it. He wants me to do it with him because I struggle a lot to relax and just switch my brain off. We are hoping that this will work. If not, I may actually implode.