Brain Explosion

You know, I thought that I had it all figured out. I mean, yeah I am heaps young to know every that I want and stuff, but I felt good. Everything was fine, moving along and I was happy. Then what happens, I hit a road block of course. There is always that one occurrence that knocks you off. I am on the Crazy Train that Ozzy sings about. And I mean my brain just doesn't know what to do anymore. Like in the past I have been in some sticky situations, but at least I knew how I felt about those situations. Right now I am in the middle of a rock, a hard place AND I have no idea how I feel about it all. If I knew how I felt I could go all Hulk on the hard place and the rock and it would all be over.

But no, I can't go all Hulk cause I don't know how I feel. But me being me, I try to see into the future of the 2 main options that I see ahead of me. I don't know how I feel about it in either futures, but I can see the image in both. However there are a few pitfalls in these futures, and I hate pitfalls.

I am the kind of person who cares about the other persons feelings before my own. I also hold onto guilt for a long time. And furthermore I hold onto regret even longer. Yet I don't admit the last one. And even if you used this post against me, I would claim high on drugs and ice-cream. So don't even bother trying.

I just wish I knew how I felt about it all. It just really sucks that this all happens a few weeks before I leave for overseas for just under 6 months. I mean, I could have hit this road block AGES ago, and if I did, it would be that tiny bit easier, but the karmic Gods hate me. It is a proven fact.

Really, I just wish that I could be like a person from the Sims. When I make too many bad decisions, you delete my save file and you try all over again. It would make my life so much simpler. Or I wish I could be Curtis from Misfits. He can go back in time when he is feeling guilty and stuff, so I would be able to go back ALL the time.

I just want this unknowing pain to be over. However I can't really do anything until the sort of know the answers from two other ports of calls. But the issue is that I can't get those answers without raising a LOT of suspiciousness and possibly a lot of misery and danger. Maybe I am a covert spy and I had my mind wiped. Yet even with my mind wiped it seeks danger and being without my training or missions I have to find danger in pubescent daily life.

This is where most of my hate it directed towards. Puberty. It is an evil time in everyone's life and I hate it a lot. And I know this is entirely clich├ęd, but I am very mature for my age. I just am. Fact of life. I have been getting along with adults a lot better than people my own age. Not that I see people my own age. This year, probably 10% of my time has been spent with people my own age. 7% of the time was with friends.

I am a very lonely person. Like, I love being by myself, cause then I am truly myself. (If you want to see the real uninhibited me, learn to turn invisible) But I also hate it when it is for extended periods. It sucks cause I don't go to Uni, no do I have a "proper" job. I have to wait till I get back from overseas, on a trip that has been decided for me since I was 5. Talk about pressure?

The funny thing is that I am the only one that will read this. Maybe I can treat this as my journal. Except I keep getting random views from people on the internet who are looking for pictures. I have a couple of pictures from 2 movie reviews I did. Ah memories. I thought that was going to be a regular thing for me. Silly Tom.

I am now starting to get a headache. This is what happens when your brain is fried from a decision it can't make right now even if it had the answers. The other thing is that I don't want to make an answer when I am in confusion, and then have me head clear up and I regret it. And what makes things worse is that this decision has a time limit. I have to have an answer before I leave. Not only do I need an answer, but I have to go through with my decision.

I wish I was Batman.

1 comment:

  1. I wish i was batman too.

    and i should learn to be invisible, that'd be awesome. And clearly i read the blogs you post.

    also the trip you are taking (i still find it unfortunate that i just meet you and you fly away for nearly 6 months? what is this.) might allow you to unwind and see things in a new prospective, give you time to settle down and such.